It Hurts…

I am sitting here at the end of Daddio’s hospital bed watching him sleep, hoping to hell he is having good dreams. He has had a wonderful, full life. He was married to my Mom for almost 60 years before she passed almost 13 years ago. They loved each other deeply. He is less than two months shy of his 96th birthday and as much as I hope he recovers, I also too hope with everything in me that when his time comes, he is able to let go peacefully in his sleep. Tears are rolling down my face as I type this. To watch such a strong, smart, vibrant man, dwindle and lose energy is one of the hardest things a child can see. Mom passed suddenly. Was that better? Who can say, it hurts nonetheless. We are really only here for a short time but sitting here I am able to have so many amazing memories come to mind that it makes me wonder how all that fit into the course of my life. And my dad has even more memories. We have been able to talk about many of them together, and honestly I cherish this. Some people ask me, what do you talk about? The answer is everything. Everything we possibly can. It hurts..but it heals. It will hurt more when he isnt able to talk, when he has finally passed from this world. But the memories will help heal. I love you Daddio. I hope you tell Mom we love her when you do go….till then I will be here with you….even when it hurts. ❤

~mgm

So Much Has Changed

It’s been a long time since I’ve written…..

I have loved him for a long time. He hurt me once. And a year ago he hurt me again. I am forever changed because I fell in love with him. The kind of love that only happens once in a lifetime. And I am forever changed because he took my love and let it go. The reasons are complicated, as they usually are. But the fact remains I gave him all of me and he wanted me and loved me never wanted to be separated from me. And then something changed. Not his love for me. I know he is still in love with me. I know he still thinks of me everyday. But he was faced with having to make a decision unbeknown to me that changed both of our lives. And it ended up with me being blindsided and hurt beyond what I could ever have imagined. Perhaps it was meant to be. Perhaps the red flags were there the last few months but I chose to ignore them or I chose to believe they were a symptom of him questioning his mortality in the face of a health crisis. Looking back I know I could have done a few things differently but I was always there for him, supporting him and loving him and never ever giving up on him. But no one can go back. The fact remains he made a decision that I never believed he would ever have made. When we were together it was as if the world fell away, and it was like that for almost five years. The happiness I felt with him was something I cannot put into words. Then in one day, I was the one who fell away because I was pushed. I am still hurting. Over a year later this time I still cannot even think of a life without him. Yet it appears that’s the way it’s going to be. Acceptance is a difficult thing. It’s even more difficult because you can’t fake that kind of love. I know he is hurting but the choice he made cannot be unmade. I know he is still in love with me. But he did not choose me. He chose to be mediocre without me instead of insanely happy with me. Again it’s complicated. Isn’t it always? He is and always will be the love of my life. Love like that never dies. We are and will be forever connected, as we were 35 years ago. But that’s another story, for another time….

~mgm

Educational workers being harmed: not a news flash but a daily reality

writing in the (mom)ent

Although there have been recent alarming news articles in the GTA, it is not a recent occurrence that educational assistants (EA) are being harmed in their day to day work. Unions who support these workers have been speaking out for years and years on this issue. Since legislation was put in place in Ontario in the early 1980s to integrate students with disabilities into mainstream schools, education frontline workers have been hurt. The funding to properly support students and those workers continues to be abysmally insufficient and the problem deepens every year. That is why the frequency and severity of educational assistants being injured is rising and doing so at an alarming rate.

It is important to stress: students with special needs are not to blame. Certain disabilities have a component in which the cognitive abilities of students are impaired or affected and therefore the idea of ‘blame’ or ‘ability…

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Listen…

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Most of us go through our day without really paying attention. What I mean is that we fail to take notice, regularly, of all the things going on around. If we took the time to be still more often and listen, we’d notice things that we sadly seem to take for granted as we hurry around in our busy lives. I think we need to stop way more often to truly listen to life around us. I went for a walk along the lakeshore the other day. In this part of the city, there is a big park between the road and the lake. But not so big that you can’t see the road and or the lake simply by turning your head. There are homes and businesses and a hospital and a hotel visible if you simply turn your body 360 degrees. On this day I walked for a while but the weather was so nice I decided to sit down on a bench and just soak up the summer sun. Fall is fast approaching and I wanted to take advantage of the beautiful day. Anyway, I sat down and looked at my phone because, who doesn’t right? I took a few pics of the scenery but then I put my phone away. I just sat there watching and listening. And then I stopped watching as I closed my eyes, faced the sun and just tried as much as I could to be quiet and simply listen and feel. It’s amazing what happens when you do this, uncanny in fact, if you start listing what you hear without opening your eyes. I felt so relaxed after a few minutes of doing this, yes eyes still closed. I wanted to see how long I could do this for. I had to trust that people wouldn’t bother me and that no threat was near. I let go as much negativity as I could and just let my senses guide me and be my “security,” if you will. Back to my list now. The first thing I noticed was that as I became still the waves from the lake hitting the bulkhead seemed quite loud. Then I heard a child squealing with laughter at the nearby park. I focused on so many different things as my senses seemed more and more aware of the things happening around me. The wind in the trees, the honking of Canada geese, the cry of seagulls, a seadoo gaining speed on the lake, the cars and busses driving by, the cicadas in the trees behind me, a buzz of a bee as it flew by, the sound of a dog barking, people talking as they went by or sat near me, a siren from an ambulance as it whizzed by heading to the hospital and then it was almost as if it all disappeared. It was as if by some sort of weird, other worldly occurence, everything seemed quiet. It was as if all the sounds suddenly became one, or nothing at all. I felt very peaceful and was surprised at how calm I had become. And then I heard….

~mgm

Eclipse, 2017…

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Are you watching it? Online or on the tv or perhaps live with a group of people? (make sure you’ve protected your eyes). It’s really neat. Here where I live (southern Ontario, Canada), it’s beginning to get a bit darker with the peak of the eclipse to happen around 2:32pm, with approximately 76% of the sun covered. This stuff is pretty amazing. When you peel away all the outside skin from this troubled world and look deep to see it’s beauty and our place in this universe, you can’t help but be in awe of it all. It’s still an amazing thing to think that people thousands of miles away can see the same thing you can, at the very same time. It’s another reason why I am infatuated with the moon. Always have been. So when life gets you down you can always look up. The stars, the sun, the moon, the clouds, the birds, the beautiful sunsets and sunrises and today, an eclipse. Life is pretty amazing….Life is beautiful. Make sure you’re living it.

~mgm

Evening Sky

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I snapped this photo this evening while I was out and just in need of some peace and quiet. There’s something comforting when you take the time to really “see” what is there every day, staring you in the face. We often forget how beautiful this world truly is. There is nothing really particularly spectacular about this photograph. I drive along this road often. But tonight it really seemed to catch my eye so I pulled over and just sat and watched. I took a picture. I really tried to see more than just a pretty evening sky. Sometimes that’s all it takes to find peace; sometimes you just have to take the time and really see what’s right in front of you….

~mgm

Moving forward, never stop dreaming…

Oh how the world has changed in the year since I have posted. Yes, again I have been remiss with contributing here. Life is busy. Sad excuse I know 🙂 I have to say I’m so saddened by the events in the world lately. I refuse to become cynical although I am finding myself at a loss as to the integrity of the human spirit. But I do believe there is still more good than evil. There has to be. I am going to remain who I am. I am going to stay the course and continue to love my children unconditionally. I am going to continue to stay in love with life, with myself (not always an easy thing to do but I’m learning daily), and with him 🙂 There is one constant that we have to remember; life goes on. So we need to focus on our own little worlds and make them kind, compassionate and loving. Hopefully our own kindness, compassion and love, will spread from our little part of it, to the whole. Keep dreaming, and always, move forward.

~mgm

Dream

It’s not what you think

Awesome. Powerful. True.

The First Ten Words by Rich Larson

Chris Cornell, 1964-2017

Chris Cornell died early Thursday morning. His band Soundgarden played a show on Wednesday night at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Two hours after the show ended, he was gone.

For two days, I’ve been working on a piece to pay tribute to him, and it’s been a struggle. Usually when I have a problem like this it’s because I’m staring at a blank screen trying to figure out what I want to say. That’s not the problem this time. The problem is I have way too much to say.

I’m not going to sit here and claim to have been a huge fan of Soundgarden. I didn’t dislike them, I just had to take them in small doses. I was a fan of Cornell. I love “Seasons,” the solo song he had on Cameron Crowe’s movie, Singles. It’s a droning acoustic song about isolation and the…

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Change

Time goes by so quickly and day to day things don’t seem to change much. But when you look back is it you that’s different or is it just your circumstance? I guess that depends on your perspective. Just over three and a half years ago I was in a toxic relationship. Alcohol, drug use and lack of respect for himself and others ultimately lead to the downfall of our relationship. You can only try to help someone for so long and when you realize you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, change happens. You change your situation. You change your mind and with that I mean you finally realize that you deserve more for yourself, and your children. Out with the toxic behaviours. Immediately there was a sense of relief when he finally left. It was like lifting the clouds and letting the sun in. It’s funny how it takes a while to begin living life for yourself again. Why did I stop in the first place? I had to reexamine my life and my decisions. Change, a word with six letters but has so many implications. What do I change now? How do I make sure I don’t change back to the woman who accepted toxicity into her life? How do I ensure I make better decisions for my children and myself. Honestly once the toxic narcissist exited stage left, the answers came easily. Things were clear again. And I vowed to never let anyone ever influence me to the point where it seemed I was wearing blinders. I became and remain that strong woman that I need to be. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Trust your gut. My life got better because I decided to change it. I got better because I knew that the only person I could change was me. But then I also realized that ‘me’ was pretty awesome the way I was.

~mgm

Trillium in the Woods

I went for a long walk in the woods today. I do this when I’m stressed. I do this when life seems to be piling up on my shoulders. Seems to be happening more often than I’d really like to admit. I guess I am just at a point in my life where I need to just do the things I have always wanted to do. Life is going by so quickly. I want to live my life. So, I guess it’s time. And like the trillium that blooms without fail every spring, it’s time for me to bloom as well. I need to spend less time thinking and more time doing. And I want to do that with him. I’ll be back later. Right now I have a few things to do and a few plans to make. With him 🙂

~mgm 13178617_10157190848210144_5731799952086305151_n