It Hurts…

I am sitting here at the end of Daddio’s hospital bed watching him sleep, hoping to hell he is having good dreams. He has had a wonderful, full life. He was married to my Mom for almost 60 years before she passed almost 13 years ago. They loved each other deeply. He is less than two months shy of his 96th birthday and as much as I hope he recovers, I also too hope with everything in me that when his time comes, he is able to let go peacefully in his sleep. Tears are rolling down my face as I type this. To watch such a strong, smart, vibrant man, dwindle and lose energy is one of the hardest things a child can see. Mom passed suddenly. Was that better? Who can say, it hurts nonetheless. We are really only here for a short time but sitting here I am able to have so many amazing memories come to mind that it makes me wonder how all that fit into the course of my life. And my dad has even more memories. We have been able to talk about many of them together, and honestly I cherish this. Some people ask me, what do you talk about? The answer is everything. Everything we possibly can. It hurts..but it heals. It will hurt more when he isnt able to talk, when he has finally passed from this world. But the memories will help heal. I love you Daddio. I hope you tell Mom we love her when you do go….till then I will be here with you….even when it hurts. ❤

~mgm

So Much Has Changed

It’s been a long time since I’ve written…..

I have loved him for a long time. He hurt me once. And a year ago he hurt me again. I am forever changed because I fell in love with him. The kind of love that only happens once in a lifetime. And I am forever changed because he took my love and let it go. The reasons are complicated, as they usually are. But the fact remains I gave him all of me and he wanted me and loved me never wanted to be separated from me. And then something changed. Not his love for me. I know he is still in love with me. I know he still thinks of me everyday. But he was faced with having to make a decision unbeknown to me that changed both of our lives. And it ended up with me being blindsided and hurt beyond what I could ever have imagined. Perhaps it was meant to be. Perhaps the red flags were there the last few months but I chose to ignore them or I chose to believe they were a symptom of him questioning his mortality in the face of a health crisis. Looking back I know I could have done a few things differently but I was always there for him, supporting him and loving him and never ever giving up on him. But no one can go back. The fact remains he made a decision that I never believed he would ever have made. When we were together it was as if the world fell away, and it was like that for almost five years. The happiness I felt with him was something I cannot put into words. Then in one day, I was the one who fell away because I was pushed. I am still hurting. Over a year later this time I still cannot even think of a life without him. Yet it appears that’s the way it’s going to be. Acceptance is a difficult thing. It’s even more difficult because you can’t fake that kind of love. I know he is hurting but the choice he made cannot be unmade. I know he is still in love with me. But he did not choose me. He chose to be mediocre without me instead of insanely happy with me. Again it’s complicated. Isn’t it always? He is and always will be the love of my life. Love like that never dies. We are and will be forever connected, as we were 35 years ago. But that’s another story, for another time….

~mgm